You, yes you, reading this piece of literary genius, you are fortunate enough to gaze on my handiwork and to gasp and marvel at my exquisite grasp of the English language.
So, now that the session of self-aggrandisement (wow, I hear you say) is over, let us move onto more pressing matters.
What can those be? Jade Goody? Who really cares, to be honest? A year ago we were all slating her, now she's a national icon. What for?! Hundreds of unfortunates suffer and die from cancer every year, but they don't make a big deal about it! Sorry to break it to you Jade, but you're not special.
No, the real tragedy in the news (at home at least) is the death of David Cameron's son, who suffered from cerebral palsy, from which the only cure seems to be, sadly, death. However much I hold Cameron in dislike for his political stance, these barriers must be dropped and a humanitarian viewpoint adopted to empathise with the unfortunate family. Politics only serves to divide us, much like religion and the ever-present argument over which is better: McDonalds or KFC (obviously the latter). It is refreshing to see this exemplified in the Commons (how sincere it was is unsure, but to see it is good nonetheless). To the Camerons, and indeed everyone who is feeling grief from the loss of a loved one, I am so sorry.
Tragedies are occuring elsewhere. A third plane has crashed in recent times, this time outside Amsterdam. Only nine people were killed, which is a small mercy for those nine but in the wake of events in America last week it is miracle. If you go in for those sorts of things.
But enough of this doom and gloom. Those of you who read this regularly (you know who you are!) will know I'm a sentimental old fool, preaching love and beauty in all facets of life. I'll spare you the speech this time, don't worry!
To dispell any rumours, I am NOT Jason/Joshua/James/Jeremy and-any-other-numbers-of-names-beginning-with-J Heathcote. The Heathcote Arms is merely a pub, and not a clue as to my identity. If I were Heathcote, I doubt I would admit it though, so this whole text is going to look even for of a facade. But I kid you not ladies and gentlemen. The hunt goes on.
I think I've discovered how Delicieuse has survived this crunch. Simon and I have practically kept it afloat with our regular visits and my fetish for their delightful chocolate cake. It is the best coffee shop in the whole of the East End in my very well-rounded opinion. Persuade everyone you know to patronise that shop! (As in to visit and buy coffee, not demean it. That would be going against everything I believe in. Even if they are French). And especially Tiffany, she needs to know these things!
I am incredibly hungry, so I shall leave you for now! Happy holidays everyone!
Thursday 26 February 2009
Friday 20 February 2009
Feelin' them post-holiday blues
God, the half-term is practically over, and I have gotten no work done! Goddammit I told myself I would! Now I'm going to have a hard slog when I get back to finish that damn History coursework.
Oh well, it's been a pretty good half term all in all, I've seen all my friends and had a good laugh (and almost died at the hands of a motion simulator. I'm SO doing that again!!) so I'm sad to have to go back to school, even if we only went back about two weeks ago. I'm not going to be picky...
Apparently the girl who was dressed in the Ann Summers nurse outfit complained to someone that I was perving on her. I think she should review the situation before complaining, really. Even a gay guy told me he would do that!
Speaking of teenage pregnancies, I read in a paper that a Catholic priest has given his outward support of those chavs having a baby at the ages of 13 and 15. He claims that "they chose not to have an avortion, which shows they obviously have a respect for life. For this I salute them." Hang on... doesn't the Catholic Church strictly say sex outside marriage is wrong? And surely from a purely human point of view, which is far less biased than the teachings of any church, allowing two very young children to have a baby is not only going to affect them but the poor kid they've brought into this world? Not including the message we get about certain parts of our society. The church, or any religion for that matter, should take on the role it did in 18th Century Russia: as far as I remember it was not involved in aspects of law, politics or culture, it was merely to maintain the spiritual wellbeing of the populace. If this were the case, we wouldn't have bizarre, contradictory statements coming out every so often, and you guys wouldn't have to read coffee fuelled rants about how crap religion/society/everyone else is compared to me.
So sayeth George, the first son of Kevin. At His right hand, and with the Holy Ghost of Christmas Past (and with a £5 contribution from everyone) we shall become your new gods, and we will all go to happier places. Like Australia.
Okay, my religion doesn't make much sense, but Scientology made it, and they believe they have psychic powers!
Oh well, it's been a pretty good half term all in all, I've seen all my friends and had a good laugh (and almost died at the hands of a motion simulator. I'm SO doing that again!!) so I'm sad to have to go back to school, even if we only went back about two weeks ago. I'm not going to be picky...
Apparently the girl who was dressed in the Ann Summers nurse outfit complained to someone that I was perving on her. I think she should review the situation before complaining, really. Even a gay guy told me he would do that!
Speaking of teenage pregnancies, I read in a paper that a Catholic priest has given his outward support of those chavs having a baby at the ages of 13 and 15. He claims that "they chose not to have an avortion, which shows they obviously have a respect for life. For this I salute them." Hang on... doesn't the Catholic Church strictly say sex outside marriage is wrong? And surely from a purely human point of view, which is far less biased than the teachings of any church, allowing two very young children to have a baby is not only going to affect them but the poor kid they've brought into this world? Not including the message we get about certain parts of our society. The church, or any religion for that matter, should take on the role it did in 18th Century Russia: as far as I remember it was not involved in aspects of law, politics or culture, it was merely to maintain the spiritual wellbeing of the populace. If this were the case, we wouldn't have bizarre, contradictory statements coming out every so often, and you guys wouldn't have to read coffee fuelled rants about how crap religion/society/everyone else is compared to me.
So sayeth George, the first son of Kevin. At His right hand, and with the Holy Ghost of Christmas Past (and with a £5 contribution from everyone) we shall become your new gods, and we will all go to happier places. Like Australia.
Okay, my religion doesn't make much sense, but Scientology made it, and they believe they have psychic powers!
Tuesday 17 February 2009
"Be Wise, Condomise"
I got a free chlamydia test through my letterbox today. A late Valentines present from the NHS.
How thoughtful.
Anyway, I do appreciate the thought. If I have the disease, it's important to know. I don't want to risk infection of others. I don't think women would appreciate the response "I'm just sharin' the love" when they tell me.
Anyway, one question on the sheet made me laugh. It asked: "Have you had sex with a new partner in the last 3 months? Tick ONE". The answers were as follows:
Yes
No
Unknown
If the answer is "Unknown" I think there are far more pressing matters to deal with.
However, once I have sent my pee through the post I shall be cured, and noone can sue. Unwanted pregnancy? Not my problem anymore, bitch!
On that rather amusing note, what about that 13 year old who had a kid with a 15-going-on-30 year old?! I mean, I know I shouldn't laugh because that poor child is now going to have an incredibly bad life, but DAMN! God words can't even describe... just how wrong it all is! First of all, why is a 12 year old boy (as he was then) having sex? And second of all, why with her??? Dear lord she looks like she could be his mother!
I'd better get off the subject, I'm getting very worked up. As long as services look after that baby properly that's all that matters. Stupid chavs...
Also, these bankers getting bonuses really gets my goat. I know, as has been pointed out to me quite rightly, that not to give them their bonus would be a breach of contract, but to be honest because of their incompetence thousands of people are out of jobs, and will have no money whatsoever! For example, a Mini factory has closed down this week for a whole week because they are not making enough money, and many workers have been laid off (pardon my lack of statistics). It is a travesty and morally, I do not think these bankers deserve their bonuses at all.
Well, that's my rant over for the day, until next time jazz lovers!
How thoughtful.
Anyway, I do appreciate the thought. If I have the disease, it's important to know. I don't want to risk infection of others. I don't think women would appreciate the response "I'm just sharin' the love" when they tell me.
Anyway, one question on the sheet made me laugh. It asked: "Have you had sex with a new partner in the last 3 months? Tick ONE". The answers were as follows:
Yes
No
Unknown
If the answer is "Unknown" I think there are far more pressing matters to deal with.
However, once I have sent my pee through the post I shall be cured, and noone can sue. Unwanted pregnancy? Not my problem anymore, bitch!
On that rather amusing note, what about that 13 year old who had a kid with a 15-going-on-30 year old?! I mean, I know I shouldn't laugh because that poor child is now going to have an incredibly bad life, but DAMN! God words can't even describe... just how wrong it all is! First of all, why is a 12 year old boy (as he was then) having sex? And second of all, why with her??? Dear lord she looks like she could be his mother!
I'd better get off the subject, I'm getting very worked up. As long as services look after that baby properly that's all that matters. Stupid chavs...
Also, these bankers getting bonuses really gets my goat. I know, as has been pointed out to me quite rightly, that not to give them their bonus would be a breach of contract, but to be honest because of their incompetence thousands of people are out of jobs, and will have no money whatsoever! For example, a Mini factory has closed down this week for a whole week because they are not making enough money, and many workers have been laid off (pardon my lack of statistics). It is a travesty and morally, I do not think these bankers deserve their bonuses at all.
Well, that's my rant over for the day, until next time jazz lovers!
Sunday 15 February 2009
That Is Indeed What She Said
Following the debacle of Valentine's Day, we arrive at a day which is much more up my street: National "That's What She Said" Day. Try and fit it into your speech as much as possible today, it's the only day you can do it and not get a smack across the face. Of course, I will continue to do it and brave the beatings.
I must apologise for my absence these past few weeks. I have felt rather uninspired recently, not through lack of events but just a sort of lethargy that prevented me from getting off my arse to sit down again and try and write something vaguely interesting. But alas, I am back to rock your world MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
Well as I have been out of the loop for a while I do have a lot to write about. First of all, on the 23rd of January, following the end of an appalling English exam, I visited my friend Daniel Janes in Cambridge. What an amazing place it is, with its immaculate lawns and well-mannered people. It makes me sad I didn't apply there now, but that's neither here nor there. Once I arrived DJ met me at the station and took me for a tour of the city. It's a very interesting place to walk around, a typical student town. We got fudge from the Fudge Kitchen (it was like God had come in little solid squares and I was eating them, WOW!) and then after having eats in the buttery we went to a debate: "This House Would Rather Be Gay".
Obviously the turnout was huge, looking forward to a debate that would turn into is being gay good or bad, and ultimately a good laugh. They were not disappointed. The main speaker for the opposition was none other than Stephen Green, fundamentalist Christian notable. You can imagine how this went. Noone paid much attention to any of the other speakers, preferring instead to torment the Christian radical. In the end he got so fed up he exclaimed "Look, some people just don't like gays, get used to it," to which he got the reply "YOU get used to it!" The house broke down in laughter and Green sat down, fuming. Later, a member of our party stood up, having just heard Green's scientific explanation why sodomy is wrong, and asked "My ears are meant for hearing, but I can wiggle them. Does that make me an abomination?" It's clear to see why these guys are the creme de la creme.
After this we went to the ADC Theatre (I think that was the name) to see Selwyn College's jazz band. They were rather good, though my critical ear occassionally picked up the sounds of a "school band", which made me cringe. We were joined for this by Tom Holmes, who used to go to ICHS. To keep with this ICHS theme we then went to visit Iestyn in his rather plush looking accomodations in St Johns. After this we went to a local grease joint and swallowed a burger in the vaults beneath Claire College. After this, we hit the hay in preparation for tomorrow's lecture on Heresy in the Middle Ages, which proved to be very interesting.
It was great to see everyone in Cambridge, and I really do hope I can go back soon and catch up some more.
But the excitement didn't end there. Since then there have been several parties, dinenrs and things that were fun, although my short-term memory has prevented me from remembering much of them (and I'm sure the wine and beer did little to help.) However, on Friday evening me and a cohort from school went out clubbing at a place called 93 Feet East on Brick Lane, funnily enough where I'd performed a gig several months back. Don't tell Simon this but I really enjoyed the dance music they played! After a few drinks the whole dancing thing came naturally to me, although I'm sure to onlookers the result was quite shocking.
The day after, after having risen early from jas' to get to Lambeth in time, I had a big multidate for Valentine's Day! (Basically for everyone that didn't have a date.) We had a meal and saw a show that featured several of our friends (which was very good, it's a shame it's now finished), which may not sound exciting but it's always great to spend a day with the people you love.
So now I'm here, having explained my situation to you from the past few months. The reason I decided to come back was that I read an article about blogs in the Sundat Times Culture magazine, and I was reminded how much I missed my dear old blog. So hopefully there will be more regular posts from now on. At least, until I get bored of it again.
Which probably won't be very long.
I must apologise for my absence these past few weeks. I have felt rather uninspired recently, not through lack of events but just a sort of lethargy that prevented me from getting off my arse to sit down again and try and write something vaguely interesting. But alas, I am back to rock your world MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
Well as I have been out of the loop for a while I do have a lot to write about. First of all, on the 23rd of January, following the end of an appalling English exam, I visited my friend Daniel Janes in Cambridge. What an amazing place it is, with its immaculate lawns and well-mannered people. It makes me sad I didn't apply there now, but that's neither here nor there. Once I arrived DJ met me at the station and took me for a tour of the city. It's a very interesting place to walk around, a typical student town. We got fudge from the Fudge Kitchen (it was like God had come in little solid squares and I was eating them, WOW!) and then after having eats in the buttery we went to a debate: "This House Would Rather Be Gay".
Obviously the turnout was huge, looking forward to a debate that would turn into is being gay good or bad, and ultimately a good laugh. They were not disappointed. The main speaker for the opposition was none other than Stephen Green, fundamentalist Christian notable. You can imagine how this went. Noone paid much attention to any of the other speakers, preferring instead to torment the Christian radical. In the end he got so fed up he exclaimed "Look, some people just don't like gays, get used to it," to which he got the reply "YOU get used to it!" The house broke down in laughter and Green sat down, fuming. Later, a member of our party stood up, having just heard Green's scientific explanation why sodomy is wrong, and asked "My ears are meant for hearing, but I can wiggle them. Does that make me an abomination?" It's clear to see why these guys are the creme de la creme.
After this we went to the ADC Theatre (I think that was the name) to see Selwyn College's jazz band. They were rather good, though my critical ear occassionally picked up the sounds of a "school band", which made me cringe. We were joined for this by Tom Holmes, who used to go to ICHS. To keep with this ICHS theme we then went to visit Iestyn in his rather plush looking accomodations in St Johns. After this we went to a local grease joint and swallowed a burger in the vaults beneath Claire College. After this, we hit the hay in preparation for tomorrow's lecture on Heresy in the Middle Ages, which proved to be very interesting.
It was great to see everyone in Cambridge, and I really do hope I can go back soon and catch up some more.
But the excitement didn't end there. Since then there have been several parties, dinenrs and things that were fun, although my short-term memory has prevented me from remembering much of them (and I'm sure the wine and beer did little to help.) However, on Friday evening me and a cohort from school went out clubbing at a place called 93 Feet East on Brick Lane, funnily enough where I'd performed a gig several months back. Don't tell Simon this but I really enjoyed the dance music they played! After a few drinks the whole dancing thing came naturally to me, although I'm sure to onlookers the result was quite shocking.
The day after, after having risen early from jas' to get to Lambeth in time, I had a big multidate for Valentine's Day! (Basically for everyone that didn't have a date.) We had a meal and saw a show that featured several of our friends (which was very good, it's a shame it's now finished), which may not sound exciting but it's always great to spend a day with the people you love.
So now I'm here, having explained my situation to you from the past few months. The reason I decided to come back was that I read an article about blogs in the Sundat Times Culture magazine, and I was reminded how much I missed my dear old blog. So hopefully there will be more regular posts from now on. At least, until I get bored of it again.
Which probably won't be very long.
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