Apocalypse!!!

I hope I spelt that right. Anyway, yes, the end of the world. As many of you probably know I'm a huge zombie enthusiast, so much so I keep a live one in my garden. Can you call them "live"?

I'm bored and full of shit, so I'd like to talk about what would happen if we did really face a zombie pandemic.

There's my audience gone, so now I shall continue.

This is all happening because on E4, while I'm away in New York grrr they are showing a show about a zombie uprising in Britain and the only surviviors that we know of are a group of people in the Big Brother house. What follows is a gruesome and bloody battle for survivial against 28 Days Later-esque zombies, which I think makes a very good plot for a regular Big Brother.

I really do wish we could face a zombie incursion. I know that sounds harsh on the millions of people that would inevitably die and join the horde, but God wouldn't it be fun? Get what remaining mates you have left round your house with an assortment of hand-to-hand and maybe even ranged weapons, and go out and meet the threat face-to-face, better than hiding in a small room like they tend to in zombie flicks.

It just gives us an excuse to go out with baseball bats and bash some heads in.

Of course you would most likely be eaten alive before the zombies were all re-dead, but man what a way to go. And if you're lucky, you'll just become one of them.

There are a number of "theories" that says zombies could come, I hope they really work.

Man I love zombies.

Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts!

It seems like only two millenia ago since our great leader George "Wanker" Bush was "voted in" to "run America" as President. How sad it is that this great, verile, Creationist is going to be leaving us towards the beginning of November (about fucking time!)

I have always been a major fan of George Bush. Not because of his sterling foreign and economic policies.

I love him IN SPITE of that.

He has given me many reasons to chuckle over the last 8th of a decade. He has come out with so many outrageously hilarious comments and actions (such as winking at the Queen. Seriously, what the hell???) that his passing will be hard for us all. I personally hope he takes up work as a stand-up comedian when he leaves office. Or, as they call it in the USA, the Governor of Texas.

Below are some classic (true) quotes that His great mouth has uttered over the last 8 years:

"It's clearly a budget. It has a lot of numbers in it." And people wonder why we're in recession.

"I know the Human Being and the Fish can coexist peacefully." I presume he's talking about over-fishing, but it's more likely it's about animal husbandry.

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." OK...

"There's no question that as soon as I was elected, the storn clouds were almost directly overhead." At least he doesn't deny it.

"I have made great decisions in the past. I have made great decisions in the future." George Bush is the only known human to have travelled in time. It really fucked his brain up.

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." This embodies everything that is wrong in America at present.

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." He's talking about office space, surely... please...

"Public speaking is very easy." A personal favourite.

These are just a small selection of the vast collection of gems. I'm just sad I don't have the time or the patience to write them all, but I'm sure you get the idea. Life will certainly be less amusing, when we have an American President who thinks it's funny to sing "Bomb bomb bomb Iran" on live radio. I'm not American, or Iranian, but personally I'm terrified.

One last, very recent quote to finish off with. "I wish I could just fix the economy by just clicking my fingers. But, obviously, it doesn't work that way." Really? You've spent... what, a month, working that out? Well it looks like he's getting the hang of this a little too late.

In loving memory of George W. Bush, American president, you will be sorely missed, and yet, not.

Let's just hope America makes the right choice in November, or else we will likely be facing very dark times indeed.

Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine...

Well, maybe not just yet, but I'm sure the adverts and sales will start all too soon. I do love commercialism.

It's October anyway, in case you didn't know. It's heralded some bad things, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, shame on you! Still, there will probably be things to look forward to in the coming months.

Like New York! Yes I'm off to the Big Apple during the last week of October, to see the wondrous sights of that amazing place. Of course I'll be visiting the jazz clubs, because I'm just that cool. Far more important than, say, looking at big green statues.

Who gave it to them anyway?

The French, that's who, the bastards, helping the American's win the War of Independence - look at what that's got us into! But I won't preach anti-everyone hate, as we should all be banding together, and my hate-filled (yet very rousing) talk will no doubt not help.

Amazingly today, Music was useful. We learnt! We actually learnt! My confidence is somewhat restored! Perhaps school is starting to look up, and I won't fail my A Levels.

Perhaps.

Another benefit (sorry to go back to it) of being in America when I am is that it will be the week preceeding the American Presidential Elections! I am sure I will hear much strong, interesting political debate whilst I am there.

Who am I kidding?

Even if I did, I wouldn't be able to follow it, I am poor at all things political, but I'm rooting for Obama, because anything is better than a president who wants to, in his own words, "Bomb bomb bomb Iran." Stupid man, I hope he chokes on his porridge, daft old bastard.

The hate will stop here, I promise.

You know what I love? Jazz music. Jazz music, and puppies. Get a small dog playing sax and I'll be content for the rest of my life.